Healing Gaia

This piece was created as an answer to the prompt: "Write about your favorite poem".
My favorite poem has been Mother to Son by Langston Hughes since the sixth grade.
A copy of that poem can be found at the end of my writing.

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Looking down at my belly,
I see the stretched skin staring back at me.
White marks that run parallel to the place where you laid.
I think of my womb that cradled you

and kept you safe.

Now I hold you in my arms with fear.
Scared to show you to the world. 
Afraid of what you might find there,
or what might find you.

I see your face and am reminded of the splinters on my feet 
and the boards torn up in my childhood.
Hoping you never have to feel this hurt on yours.
Hoping you will be

reachin’ landin’s

and turnin’ corners 
to places accepting of you.

I realized a bit too late,

it feels, 
that I need to remove the tacks laid in to my cork board heart. 
The work feels endless.
The only way out is through, 
I'm reminded, 
but laying myself bare like floors with no carpet on them 
makes me want to run.
I can't turn back from this healing though;
It's good for us,

even when I find it kinda hard.

I wonder if one day you will ever know that I kept climbin’ on.
Wincing from my scratched feet in the dark. 
Arms open wide to the sky; 
tired from the weight of the prayers I say,

hoping you will always see the light in life.

Sweet child, 
I tell you,
life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
I’ve learned though,

no matter who you are 
It won’t ever be.
Even so, I work everyday in hopes that it can be as close to crystal 

for you.

______________________________________________________________________________

Mother to Son

By: Langston Hughes

Well, son, I’ll tell you:
Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.
It’s had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I’se been a-climbin’ on,
And reachin’ landin’s,
And turnin’ corners,
And sometimes goin’ in the dark
Where there ain’t been no light.
So boy, don’t you turn back.
Don’t you set down on the steps
’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.
Don’t you fall now—
For I’se still goin’, honey,
I’se still climbin’,
And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

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Real Talk

First off I want to say thank you to my tribe and those of you who have been patient with my lack of posting.

I needed to go on an impromptu hiatus as I couldn’t give to others when my own cup was empty.

I have been struggling with depression over the past month and it has not been easy.

Feelings of hopelessness and doubt have filled my brain but what has been the most crushing and hardest to overcome is the loneliness.

The magnitude fluctuates everyday.

Sometimes I am reminded of all the love around me and filled with gratitude,

sometimes loneliness is all-encompassing and nothing fills the void.

When it takes hold I find myself crying,

endlessly,

thrusting my face into my hands to muffle the sounds.

I pray,

screaming to spirit to make it all go away,

hugging my chest to make sure i’m still breathing,

clutching my throat so that the cries will somehow stop.

It’s a funny trick your brain plays on you.

I know I have an amazing support system and resources available to me that I am grateful for

but I talk myself out of using them.

I tell myself that I am burdening others so I shouldn’t reach out.

I dont want to be the person bringing pessimistic vibes to the party.

At times I feel like if I reach out then I make things about me and the last thing I want to do is make anything about me.

I know that last part comes from trauma.

The trauma of being told on repeat that I am selfish and I make everything about me;

when really I was asking for emotional support the person was not equipped to provide.

But when my emotions take over it is hard to stick to the facts.

Even though it feels like I could have done more to combat this period of depression,

I don’t see the past few weeks as a setback.

I understand that living with depression and anxiety can be tough and I will have periods where the emotions take over.

As long as I continue to practice reaching out to my tribe (even when I don’t want to),

moving my body,

and speaking my truth to remove the stigma surrounding mental health disorders

I will be ok.

Healing is hard but I am doing it.

xoxo – Stephy

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Its the Esteem of Your MF Self

If someone asked you, “is there anything you want to change about yourself?”,

would you have an answer?

I always do.

The mole on my nose,

my hair,

my acne,

my body composition,

there is always something that needs to be fixed about me.

Having an answer to this question makes me feel like I’m failing in the self-love department.

I always thought the epitome of self-love was to be completely enamored with who you are,

feeling as if you have reached a state of flawlessness.

Self-love meant that if you had it your way there would be nothing to fix about you.

I’ve realized though, just like the world around me, the relationship you have with yourself isn’t black and white.

I’ve also realized, I have a very unrealistic idea of what self-love should look like.

There is no imperfection to conquer.

There is no perfect amount of self-esteem.

There is just the day to day choices you make.

Sometimes they are good decisions,

sometimes they aren’t,

& being upset with yourself does not automatically mean you hate yourself.

As a reflective person I am always thinking of ways I can be better.

But as long as I am playing the comparison game I will never find satisfaction in my life.

So if you ask me the question right now, “is there anything you want to change about yourself?”

My answer would be, not taking the time to water my own garden.

We’ve all heard the saying,

“the grass is greener where you water it”

& as corny as it sounds, it’s true.

All the time I spend playing the comparison game hinders me from actually doing better.

Every time I utter “why can’t I be the one who…”,

I should be reminding myself of the talent I have and the things I CAN DO.

As long as I am tending to my own garden,

and preparing the soil with the nutrients it needs,

the flowers I have chosen to plant will bloom.

My garden won’t be like anyone else’s.

It won’t be perfect.

I may change my mind on some things.

But it will be mine.

xoxo – Stephy

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The Turnaround

Sometimes I think back to where I used to be,

when I felt alone and vulnerable all the time.

Constantly feeling like I had something to hide.

My skin, bare, needing a protection I couldn’t provide.

Sometimes I look back at where I used to be and I ask myself,

“what was I not understanding then, that I need to understand now?”

I can write you a laundry list of mistakes I’ve made,

but where I fucked up the most was not comprehending that there is beauty in the breakdown.

I was too focused on wanting to be on the other side of pain.

Focused on pleasing people who didn’t see me.

Focused on fitting in to spaces that were no longer big enough for me to occupy.

Focused on the idea of who I was, not who I was becoming and wanted to be.

I saw sureness of self as the only way one could experience real beauty in this life.

What was I missing?

The beauty in the breakdown.

The beauty in the walks I took to breathe out my anxiety.

The beauty in the strangers who told me to take my time as I tried to form words with no sound.

The beauty in the tears I cried, enough to water a valley and have flowers grow from the seeds.

I am grateful to know that in this life there will always be beauty, even if the roller coaster you are on flips you upside down.

I have the ability to choose to see this in my life.

A lesson never learned too late because where there is beauty, there is always love.

xoxo – Stephy

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Just Do It

Do you ever have me time?

Time that is just for you?

No intruding thoughts about work or your day to day, just being with yourself in the present moment.

I don’t do that enough but when I reflect on the times I do it’s always when I go for a run.

Yes, I said run.

Self-care has been fed to me in the form of face masks, bubble baths, eating good and relaxing.

Although I do indulge in these things, I find that my ultimate form of self care is getting my body active and going for a run.

Before you unsubcribe because you just realized a person who runs for fun just ain’t your vibe, let me explain.

I was someone who hated running.

I did it because it was good cardio and I thought it would guarantee weight loss (body shaming reflection post TBD).

I used to get on the treadmill and SUFFER through miles .

Sometimes, i’d go for a run outdoors with people and get so discouraged because they could run faster and longer than I could.

Everything changed when I ran 5 miles for the first time in June of 2018.

Granted, at the time I was in an unhealthy mental state and I felt like my life was falling apart.

I didn’t want to face my problems, so I LITERALLY ran away.

I strapped up my old pair of gym shoes, left my apartment and just ran.

I felt the pain in my shins as my feet pounded the pavement.

The summer sun beating down on my overheating body.

I was exhausted before I even got down the block from my apartment building.

I didn’t intend to run 5 miles.

Quite frankly i’d never ran anything more than 3 but something happened.

Once I was in the present, not focused on the past or the inevitable future, all that mattered was me.

& for the first time, I didn’t feel bad for being the center of my world.

What was remarkable to me was that I wasn’t just focused on myself, I was listening to my body.

I was starting to understand the language of my muscles.

The push, pull, ache, tension and ease that came with every stride made me react in tandem.

Slowing down as needed, picking up the pace as I felt necessary.

I also noticed I was encouraging myself.

I was engaging in a positive conversation with my body, uplifting myself the way I do other people with my words.

I kept saying things like you can do this, you can go one more block, you are so strong, you got this.

For a moment that felt like forever, I was beginning to feel the self-love I had been neglecting for years.

2 hours later, my run was complete.

5 whole miles!

I was intoxicated with the euphoria I felt.

All that mattered was this moment and the fact that I did something I never thought was possible, on my own.

I was hooked & in true Stephy fashion, I dived right in.

I said hey, if I can run 5 miles then I can do a half marathon & that is exactly what I did.

In the Journey of training my first half, I learned a lot about myself and running.

The sport is a beautiful metaphor for life.

Some runs are crap, some runs are great, sometimes you have to get out there in the rain and snow but as long as you can keep envisioning your goal, all of the external factors you cant control become irrelevant.

I learned what works best to keep myself motivated and I came to understand that I am not in competition with anyone.

A mile gets done whether you finish it in 8 minutes or 15.

The biggest lesson I learned was how to let others support me.

I had to just trust that my friends and family truly wanted to be there for me every time they came to a race.

Every cheer, every sign, every text.

They were doing it because they genuinely loved me.

For them, it may have just been impressive mileage and a bucket list race but for me its spiritual.

When I run I grant myself permission to be selfish, unapologetically.

No phone calls, no texts, just me, my favorite music and the present moment unified as one.

When my friends and family support this part of my life, they are supporting me learning about who I am as a person.

They are supporting me reclaiming autonomy of my life.

They are supporting the healing of wounds from years of self-doubt, fear, body shaming and mistrust.

With every cheer, every sign, every text, I am healing, I am an athlete, I am a runner.

Let me know in the comments what your ultimate self care ritual is and how it makes you feel.

Until next time,

xoxo Stephy

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My Power

Thoughts from December 20th, 2020

I want to share a quote from my soul brother,

”You are the proof of POSSIBLE when you grow up in a world that tells you that everything’s impossible.”

-Tristan Thompson

This hit me right in the heart chakra 💚
and powered up my solar plexus 💛

This meaning, I was so filled up with love that it boosted my self power and confidence.

I can get really down on myself sometimes, believing the lies that somehow no matter how much work I put in I’m not good enough.

I don’t celebrate my accomplishments enough and at times I go through life wondering what I can even contribute to this world. It’s times like this where I am grateful to the people who see me and uplift me when I need it most. Tristan’s simple words strung together by the thread of his thought made me stand in my power and remember who the fuck I am. I am reminded of the last words of the Lucille Clifton poem,

“come celebrate with me that everyday something has tried to kill me and has failed.”

Lucille Clifton

I am here, spirit is with me, my ancestors are with me, my community is supporting me. I am the possible because even after all the doors of rooms I wanted to be in closed in my face, I AM STILL HERE.

I have come to realize my purpose in life is to uplift others, have you found your why?

xoxo – Stephy

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The Solar Return

Thoughts from December 13th, 2020

This latest trip around the sun has taught me,
I am not broken and I never was.
I am a fun, creative, sensitive, sometimes anxious person with an effervescent personality.
My heart and passion is what I offer others.
My empathy runs deep.
My feelings are intense for better or for worse but they are me.
I am a person who has adapted, persevered and seen the sun come up another day in their 29th year.
I am forever grateful for the good, bad, hurt, anger and laughs that got me here today.
The work to being my best self is never over
but I’m glad to have an accurate reflection of who I am staring back at me in the mirror for once.
With my family, friends and myself supporting, loving and transitioning with me in life,
I will always have what I need to keep moving forward and live purposefully.

xoxo – Stephy

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