Push It

Goals, we all have them.

But what happens when you accomplish something and instead of satisfaction you feel like you pushed yourself for little reward?

That was me two weeks ago as I completed an extremely tough half marathon.

It had been over a year since I raced, and I decided to run 13.1 miles in March because I missed the rush of training and wanted another medal in my collection.

What I didn’t understand at first was that a March race would mean running in adverse weather conditions, and generally trying to keep myself motivated in the dark winter months when all I wanted to do was cuddle under a warm blanket.

Training was up and down because of this learning curve, and I was not feeling prepared to complete my half confidently as race day approached.

Finally, it was March 21st, race day, and everything was going “wrong”.

It felt like I would never start but finally, 5 hours after the time I planned to start, I began to run.

Miles 1 through 6 felt like a breeze.

I was taking in the beautiful city views along the water and I felt invincible.

Then, I ran up my first hill.

Little did I know, every mile after that would be UPHILL, physically and mentally.

I trudged my way through miles 7, 8 and 9 telling myself I only had a few steps further to go.

My Quads burning, my calves on fire, my arms sore from swinging harder to will myself to keep going.

I kept trying to talk positively to myself,

“MIND OVER MATTER”

But I couldn’t do it, not in the way I was forcing myself.

I walked, miles 10 through 13.

My calf muscles cramping up with each step and my body in a state of pain I had never experienced on a run before.

I walked and felt defeated because this wasn’t how I envisioned finishing this race.

Once I crossed the finish line, I was met with cheers of,

“You did it! You completed your goal!”

but I was upset, distraught and disappointed.

I kept thinking about the value in this experience and if it was worth it for me to push through when I exerted way more energy and resources than I would have liked to finish.

It made me think about a lot of other decisions I have made in my life where I couldn’t allow myself to change my mind because I had committed to finishing.

Determination and loyalty are two of my best character traits but when mixed with stubbornness and ego it can be a bad combination.

I was at a crossroads.

I could learn from this experience about pushing my body and be proud of accomplishing the goal in anyway I could

or

I could let the ego take control and be upset that things didn’t go according to my plan.

I’m not gonna lie, I did let that ego run wild the first few moments after my race.

My partner was so happy for me and all I kept saying was, “I suck as a runner” and “I am disappointed with myself”.

Once I got in the car, ate a good meal and drank water I was able to reset my thoughts and move forward from the shame I was feeling after this race.

I thanked those negative feelings because they came to the surface, in a very unfiltered way, to let me know that I needed to give myself more time.

Sometimes the plan you have needs to be altered along the way to meet yourself where you.

Once I acknowledged what went “wrong” and how I could do better the next time I was ready to move forward.

I celebrated COMPLETING A HALF MARATHON.

Next time (because there will always be another race I am running) I will grant myself permission to change my mind and be flexible in my plans.

Things change, life is not predictable, flexibility CAN be my greatest friend.

Any of you experienced a similar revelation in other life events?

How do you grant yourself permission to change your mind?

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

As always, Peace and Blessings.

xoxo – Stephy

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Just Do It

Do you ever have me time?

Time that is just for you?

No intruding thoughts about work or your day to day, just being with yourself in the present moment.

I don’t do that enough but when I reflect on the times I do it’s always when I go for a run.

Yes, I said run.

Self-care has been fed to me in the form of face masks, bubble baths, eating good and relaxing.

Although I do indulge in these things, I find that my ultimate form of self care is getting my body active and going for a run.

Before you unsubcribe because you just realized a person who runs for fun just ain’t your vibe, let me explain.

I was someone who hated running.

I did it because it was good cardio and I thought it would guarantee weight loss (body shaming reflection post TBD).

I used to get on the treadmill and SUFFER through miles .

Sometimes, i’d go for a run outdoors with people and get so discouraged because they could run faster and longer than I could.

Everything changed when I ran 5 miles for the first time in June of 2018.

Granted, at the time I was in an unhealthy mental state and I felt like my life was falling apart.

I didn’t want to face my problems, so I LITERALLY ran away.

I strapped up my old pair of gym shoes, left my apartment and just ran.

I felt the pain in my shins as my feet pounded the pavement.

The summer sun beating down on my overheating body.

I was exhausted before I even got down the block from my apartment building.

I didn’t intend to run 5 miles.

Quite frankly i’d never ran anything more than 3 but something happened.

Once I was in the present, not focused on the past or the inevitable future, all that mattered was me.

& for the first time, I didn’t feel bad for being the center of my world.

What was remarkable to me was that I wasn’t just focused on myself, I was listening to my body.

I was starting to understand the language of my muscles.

The push, pull, ache, tension and ease that came with every stride made me react in tandem.

Slowing down as needed, picking up the pace as I felt necessary.

I also noticed I was encouraging myself.

I was engaging in a positive conversation with my body, uplifting myself the way I do other people with my words.

I kept saying things like you can do this, you can go one more block, you are so strong, you got this.

For a moment that felt like forever, I was beginning to feel the self-love I had been neglecting for years.

2 hours later, my run was complete.

5 whole miles!

I was intoxicated with the euphoria I felt.

All that mattered was this moment and the fact that I did something I never thought was possible, on my own.

I was hooked & in true Stephy fashion, I dived right in.

I said hey, if I can run 5 miles then I can do a half marathon & that is exactly what I did.

In the Journey of training my first half, I learned a lot about myself and running.

The sport is a beautiful metaphor for life.

Some runs are crap, some runs are great, sometimes you have to get out there in the rain and snow but as long as you can keep envisioning your goal, all of the external factors you cant control become irrelevant.

I learned what works best to keep myself motivated and I came to understand that I am not in competition with anyone.

A mile gets done whether you finish it in 8 minutes or 15.

The biggest lesson I learned was how to let others support me.

I had to just trust that my friends and family truly wanted to be there for me every time they came to a race.

Every cheer, every sign, every text.

They were doing it because they genuinely loved me.

For them, it may have just been impressive mileage and a bucket list race but for me its spiritual.

When I run I grant myself permission to be selfish, unapologetically.

No phone calls, no texts, just me, my favorite music and the present moment unified as one.

When my friends and family support this part of my life, they are supporting me learning about who I am as a person.

They are supporting me reclaiming autonomy of my life.

They are supporting the healing of wounds from years of self-doubt, fear, body shaming and mistrust.

With every cheer, every sign, every text, I am healing, I am an athlete, I am a runner.

Let me know in the comments what your ultimate self care ritual is and how it makes you feel.

Until next time,

xoxo Stephy

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